What Not to Say in a Letter to a Judge (Common Mistakes + Fixes)

Quick Answer Summary

If you’re writing to a judge, don’t: (1) message the judge privately about the case, (2) insult the other side, (3) argue new facts not filed in evidence, (4) threaten the court, or (5) demand outcomes in emotional, accusatory language. Do: file the proper motion/paper with the clerk, serve the other side, keep your tone neutral, reference the case number and the specific relief you’re requesting, and support every claim with filed exhibits or record citations. (Judges are ethically restricted from considering one-sided communications about a pending case.) American Bar Association+2Hawaii State Judiciary+2

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Why this matters more than you think

Judges don’t decide cases based on who sounds angriest, most scared, or most confident. They decide cases based on procedure + evidence + the law—and they’re bound by ethics rules that generally prohibit them from considering ex parte communications (one-sided contact about a pending case). American Bar Association+1

Also, a lot of people are navigating court without lawyers—so courts see these letters constantly. Federal court data shows high levels of self-representation in certain categories (for example, very high shares in some “pro se” case types), and state courts regularly report large portions of litigants appearing without counsel. United States Courts+1
That’s not meant to discourage you—it’s meant to warn you: your letter must stand out as calm, organized, and rule-aware.

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First: are you even allowed to write a “letter to the judge”?

In many courts, a private letter to the judge about your case is treated as an improper ex parte communication—especially if the other side can’t see it. U.S. Courts – ILCB+1

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Safer alternatives (usually):

• File a motion (continuance, extension of time, reconsideration, to compel, etc.).

• File a declaration/affidavit with exhibits (if rules allow).

• File a notice (change of address, substitution of counsel, etc.).

• Send correspondence to the clerk for administrative questions (not arguments).

Letters are more common in narrow situations, like sentencing support letters submitted through counsel/probation procedures, or when a judge specifically invites written submissions by local rule/order. Even then, content rules still apply.

Bottom line: If the letter is really asking the court to do something, it’s often a motion, not a “note to the judge.”

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The #1 thing not to say (or do): one-sided contact about the case

Mistake: “I’m writing you directly because the other side will twist everything.”

Why it hurts: Judges generally can’t consider one-sided communications about a pending matter. American Bar Association+2Hawaii State Judiciary+2

Fix:

Practical tip: Many ethics rules and court guidelines stress that if something is sent in writing about the case, the other side must receive it too (typically through formal service/filing procedures). North Carolina State Bar+1

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Common “don’t say this” mistakes (and what to write instead)

1) Insults, name-calling, or sarcasm

Don’t say: “My ex is a liar and a terrible parent.”
Say instead: “I dispute the statement in Paragraph 8 of the opposing declaration because it conflicts with Exhibit B (school attendance records).”

Why: Judges expect adult, verifiable language. Attacks read like noise.

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2) Accusing the judge of bias (without using the proper process)

Don’t say: “You’re clearly biased—you always side with landlords.”
Say instead: “I respectfully request recusal based on the applicable rule/standard and the specific facts supporting that request.”

Why: Allegations of bias are handled through formal motions with legal standards—not insults.

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3) Threats (to report, sue, expose, or “go to the media”)

Don’t say: “If you deny this, I’ll report you to the judicial commission.”
Say instead: “If the court denies this request, I respectfully ask that the court state its reasons on the record so I can evaluate my options.”

Why: Threats signal poor judgment and often backfire.

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4) Emotional blackmail or “pity pressure”

Don’t say: “If you don’t grant this, my life will be ruined.”
Say instead: “Granting a continuance would prevent prejudice because I have not received essential records despite timely requests.”

Why: Judges can consider hardship—but only when tied to relevant legal factors.

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5) Asking the judge to “talk to you,” “call you,” or meet privately

Don’t say: “Please call me. I can explain everything.”
Say instead: “I respectfully request a hearing (or oral argument) on this motion, if permitted.”

Why: Private conversations about the case raise ex parte concerns. Hawaii State Judiciary+1

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6) Introducing new evidence in a casual letter

Don’t say: “Here are screenshots the court hasn’t seen—please read them before the hearing.”
Say instead: “I am filing Exhibit A–C with this motion/declaration in accordance with the court’s rules.”

Why: Evidence must enter the record the right way.

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7) Rambling life story that buries your actual request

Don’t say: 6 pages of background before the request appears.
Say instead (structure):

• What you want (1 sentence)

• Why you’re entitled to it (2–5 sentences)

• What you’re attaching (bullet list)

Why: Clarity is persuasive.

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8) Demanding outcomes or “ordering” the court around

Don’t say: “You must dismiss this immediately.”
Say instead: “I respectfully request dismissal because [legal reason] and [record support].”

Why: Respectful language signals credibility.

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9) Telling the judge what the other party “really meant”

Don’t say: “They filed that just to harass me.”
Say instead: “The timeline suggests improper purpose because [dates/events], and I request sanctions only if the rule/standard is met.”

Why: Judges care about provable facts, not mind-reading.

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10) Exaggerations and absolutes you can’t prove

Don’t say: “They always violate orders.”
Say instead: “On three occasions (Nov 3, Dec 10, Jan 4), the exchange did not occur as ordered (see Exhibit D).”

Why: Specific beats dramatic.

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11) Admitting harmful facts casually

Don’t say: “I ignored the last order because it was unfair.”
Say instead: “I misunderstood the deadline and am requesting relief based on excusable neglect/good cause, if applicable.”

Why: Words can become admissions.

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12) “My lawyer won’t listen—tell them to do their job”

Don’t say: “Make my attorney file this.”
Say instead: If represented, address issues with counsel; if seeking to change counsel, follow the court’s substitution/withdrawal procedures.

Why: The judge isn’t your manager.

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13) Trying to “teach” the judge basic law with attitude

Don’t say: “Clearly you don’t understand due process…”
Say instead: “Under [rule/statute], the court must consider X; I address those factors below.”

Why: Respect gets read. Snark gets skimmed.

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14) Mentioning prohibited or irrelevant details (especially in sensitive cases)

Don’t say: Social security numbers, medical details unrelated to an issue, children’s identifying information (where rules restrict it), or gossip.
Say instead: Use initials where required, redact sensitive identifiers, and keep only what supports a legal factor.

Why: Privacy rules are real, and oversharing can hurt.

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15) Asking the judge to “fix” things the court can’t control

Don’t say: “Make the other side pay my rent next month.” (if not legally tied to your case)
Say instead: “I request relief within the court’s authority: [specific order], based on [specific rule/statute].”

Why: Reasonable requests sound winnable.

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“Safe” sentences you can borrow (that don’t irritate judges)

• “I respectfully request [specific relief].”

• “The issue before the court is [one sentence].”

• “I am requesting this because [legal standard] applies and the record shows [key fact].”

• “I certify that I provided a copy to all parties in accordance with the rules.” North Carolina State Bar+1

• “If the court denies this request, I respectfully ask for guidance on any procedural deficiencies I should correct (if the court is permitted to provide such guidance).”

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Filing + service: the part people skip (and courts punish)

If your message isn’t properly filed and served, it may be ignored—or worse, it can create an ethics problem for the judge. Many court guidelines explicitly warn that a letter addressed to the judge can be treated as ex parte because other parties don’t have access to it. U.S. Courts – ILCB+1

Best practice in most cases:

1. File the document with the clerk (e-file or paper, per local rule).

2. Serve the other side (or their attorney).

3. Include a proof/certificate of service when required.

4. Keep communications about scheduling/administration separate from arguments on the merits (and follow local procedures). Hawaii State Judiciary+1

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Real-life examples (what judges tend to do with “bad” letters)

Example 1: The angry custody letter

A parent writes: “He’s a narcissist and the judge last time didn’t care.”
Result: The judge focuses on verifiable evidence and may view the writer as volatile.
Better: File a declaration with dated incidents, attach school/medical records as allowed, and request a specific custody modification tied to best-interest factors.

Example 2: The “please read my screenshots” eviction letter

A tenant emails the judge screenshots of texts the landlord “won’t show.”
Result: The judge can’t rely on that private email, and it may be flagged as improper contact. U.S. Courts – ILCB+1
Better: File the screenshots as exhibits with a motion (or follow the court’s evidence submission rules).

Example 3: The threat-filled extension request

A litigant writes: “Grant this extension or I’ll report everyone.”
Result: Extension denied more often than it needed to be—because the tone screams “problem.”
Better: “Good cause” explanation, specific deadline requested, and proof you acted promptly.

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Checklist: “Before you send anything to the court”

• Is a letter allowed here? If not, prepare a motion.

• Will the other side receive the same document at the same time? North Carolina State Bar+1

• Include: case caption, case number, judge name, your contact info, date, and a clear subject line.

• State your request in the first 2–3 sentences.

• Use numbered facts with dates.

• Attach only relevant exhibits and label them clearly.

• Avoid insults, threats, sarcasm, and speculation.

• Proofread for “absolutes” (“always/never”) and replace with specifics.

• Keep it short: if it’s over 1–2 pages, it probably wants to be a motion with exhibits.

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Checklist: “Words and phrases to delete immediately”

• “You have to…” → “I respectfully request…”

• “They’re lying/evil/crazy…” → “I dispute X because Y (Exhibit ___).”

• “Everyone knows…” → “The record shows…”

• “If you don’t, I’ll report you…” → “If denied, I request reasons on the record…”

• “Call me / meet me” → “I request a hearing / oral argument, if permitted.”

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FAQ

Can I email the judge directly?

Usually, no—especially about the substance of a pending case. Courts commonly warn that direct letters/emails to a judge can be improper ex parte communications. U.S. Courts – ILCB+1

What if it’s an emergency?

Some emergency or scheduling communications can be allowed in limited circumstances, but you still must follow the court’s procedures and avoid arguing the merits outside proper filings. American Bar Association+1

What if I’m self-represented—do the rules still apply?

Yes. Self-representation is common, but procedure still controls. United States Courts+1

What about a character letter (like for sentencing)?

Those can be appropriate in some cases—but they should follow the case’s instructions (often through counsel/probation) and should avoid attacking the process, blaming others, or arguing facts outside the record.

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Sources

• American Bar Association, Model Code of Judicial Conduct, Rule 2.9 (Ex Parte Communications). American Bar Association

• Hawai‘i State Judiciary Self-Help: Ex Parte Contact (“Why can’t I talk or write to the judge?”). Hawaii State Judiciary

• U.S. Bankruptcy Court (C.D. Illinois): Guidelines for Communicating with the Court. U.S. Courts – ILCB

• U.S. Courts: Code of Conduct for United States Judges (ex parte communication restrictions). United States Courts

• U.S. Courts (Statistics/News): “Just the Facts: Trends in Pro Se Civil Litigation from 2000–2019.” United States Courts

• National Center for Access to Justice (NCAJ): Self-Representation overview (Justice Index context). ncaj.org

• North Carolina State Bar: “Psst. Hey Judge…” (ethics discussion of ex parte communications and providing copies). North Carolina State Bar

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Video Section

• Connecticut Judicial Branch: “Self-Represented Parties Information Series: Writing a Motion.” YouTube

• Florida Courts E-Filing Portal: “Self Represented Litigant – Filing to an Existing Case.” YouTube

• “Personal Letter to Sentencing Judge (Faults and Fixes)” (sentencing-letter do’s/don’ts). YouTube

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Disclaimer

This article is general legal information, not legal advice. Court rules vary by state, court, and case type, check your local rules or a licensed attorney for guidance on your situation.